Moving Away

Moving is a part of life, isn't it? Not everyone is bound to stay in one place for too long but I want to. I don't want to leave the place where I've built my entire life. I have dreams, too, and even though I know that they will follow me no matter where I go, I don't want to leave where I am now. I want to dance here. I want to be with my friends and finish school where I have been all my life.
I might be able to dance wherever I go but I don't want to leave where I am dancing now because I love where I dance and I love the people that I dance with.

But it is impossible, no? To stay in one place when you have to leave, no matter how much you want to stay? Will I be able to pull my dream to my side and let go of my attachment to dancing here? I hope so.

Am I finally there?

I sent my novel in for self publishing and they said that they loved it. The editiors approved it and they called, saying that my grammar was extremely good and were shocked when I told them that I was still in high school. I was so happy, so excited at the thought of being acknowledged and then I found out the sad part of it. The packages for self publishing are expensive. Alot of money to spend on something my parents weren't sure about. They want to check out the other options. Well, I don't. I don't have time to check out for other things because other publishing houses take months to reply and they only reply if they like the story. If they don't, they dispose of it without giving you the slightest idea whether you made it through or not. I don't want that and I don't want to wait. Writing is what I'm meant to do and I don't have time to waste. Am I finally there? Am I going to take my chance or will I lose it?

She is herself.

16th August 2012

The confusion causes pain and weakness. It doesn't hurt that much that i have to keep it a secret. I've kept secrets before. They might be my friends, they might even be my closest friends but I still don't know if it would not bother them or it will cause a ruckus. That isn't why it hurts. It hurts because I was stupid. I was stupid to think she was going to leave us alone. Stupid to believe that she was done playing mind games. Stupid to belive that she'd stay away from the people I love and me. Stupid to not see that he was desprate. Stupid to think I could ever trust anyone but most of all, I feel stupid for actually assuming that this war was over. It is not. It's the beginning of the end. She's caused heart ache, broken friendships, empty promises, lies, back talking, rumors and anyone would be stupid to believe that she actually meant the apology. She can't and will never be sorry because that is who she is. A lying, backstabbing, promise breaking, desperate, attention seeking, heartbrekaing, problem causing loser. She is herself and that is who she is.  

Life or death

9/10/11


There are some things you don't want, but have to face.
There are some things you don't want to know, but have to learn.
There are some people you can't live without, but have to let go.


Today, my friend's grandmother died...I feel really bad about it, even though she tells me not to. I prayed for her families health but I also prayed that God would take away her pain and take her to heaven to see her husband who died six months ago. My friend pretends to be strong and she is but only physically. I've realized humans lie alot. They pretend to be people they are not. They pretend to be strong but they can't take the pain...We live to risk our hearts, I really believe in that statement. But why do people risk their hearts in things they know she shouldn't be and losing control later on. But there's another thing...God never delivers something you cannot handle. Commiting suicide and stuff like that is just for cowards who want to run away because they are too weak to handle anything that comes their way. In our life there are people who will leave us and people who will stay, if you think back, there are people you have left too. So you cannot blame a person for having to leave, just think about it. God will take away your pain with time, that's how things work. You can't say that if there was a God he wouldn't let this person leave me because that isn't the way things work. God will take everyone in his time not yours. If you're an athiest then believe in the same thing about the universe in place of God. Death is a part of everyone's life. You leave some, you keep some. Something good always happens after something bad and vise versa. But life is life, all you can do is live it.

My fault

27/9/11

Can I ask you something? Why does everyone think that just because she said sorry, everything is okay again? You saw everything, right? You know, I've always wanted friends who understood me and believed me...I never found that friend. And you know, I'm done trying to make them understand and believe me, because it's clearly not going to happen...why the hell should I waste my time on people like that? When I met them, I really thought they would would be everything but all they are is everything that hurts me. I've taken so many risks in my life. I've done some stupid things and to tell you the truth...they've given me thousands of reasons to believe that they are the worst mistakr I've made in my life. I never thought anyone could be so horribly mean...but maybe everything is my fault...maybe I'm the one who makes them want to say those things, maybe it's my fault they left, maybe it's my fault they're not as close anymore, maybe it's my fault for everything. Can I please give up now? I know once I give up I'll never be able to go back...but is this really worth it? Is our friendship worth letting them kill me? I really want my dreams of my career to come true and they do not support it, they are really never going to understand me because they're too busy in their own lives now, I do not know them anymore. I really don't. I'd rather die alone than die in the pain they are putting me through. I'll write later. Bye.

I wonder

27/9/11

Sometimes I wonder what God's plan really is...I don't know where my life is heading. I really want to publish my stories and maybe make my own anime after I do an animation course but what's standing in my way? Why can't I see it? I can see everything else...but why can't I see this...is it that invisible? Shouldn't it be obvious? Maybe it's me whose standing in the way of my own dreams. Do you know..I've made so many wishes...I don't know if any will come true. Being possitive is not one of my good points, since I'm a total pessimist...and I agree I need some positivity in my life...or I'll never be able to do anything...I want my dream to come true so I have to be optimistic about it, right?

Spirits for the dead

26/9/11

Miracle (A spirit) said she's seen and heard enough. She said she won't let them hurt me anymore. She said I should either stay with the ones who believe me, understand me and love me for who I am or make new fruiends...and i've decided what I'm doing next year. I really don't want to be here...when you were...uh...alive...did you believe in spirits? Like Miracle and Benjamin for instance? And could you see tham? Ukaasan, I'm really tired of people critisizing me and...forget it. I know none of them would ever believe me anyway. They think it's weird, since I'm a Roman Catholic...and...I believe in God, I know he would never put me in danser like that but the...you know...never hurt me in the first place...I'm more scared of humans than I am of spirits...I think i'm done for now...that's okay right? I don't want to seem like i'm running away, I won't say I'm not 'cause I probably am...it has gotten really complex and maybe...I should have listened when I was told to stay away from these friends the first hundred times. I guess I made the same mistake again...only a little different. And love...and friendship can never last long except for the love and friendship with God...I'm going to be thinking alot, and I'd like it if you were here with me when I do...I should have listened to Miracl, shouldn't I? She has always loved and cared for me not to mention she has never hurt me...but helped me pick up my shattered pieces...
Goodnight...