My fault

27/9/11

Can I ask you something? Why does everyone think that just because she said sorry, everything is okay again? You saw everything, right? You know, I've always wanted friends who understood me and believed me...I never found that friend. And you know, I'm done trying to make them understand and believe me, because it's clearly not going to happen...why the hell should I waste my time on people like that? When I met them, I really thought they would would be everything but all they are is everything that hurts me. I've taken so many risks in my life. I've done some stupid things and to tell you the truth...they've given me thousands of reasons to believe that they are the worst mistakr I've made in my life. I never thought anyone could be so horribly mean...but maybe everything is my fault...maybe I'm the one who makes them want to say those things, maybe it's my fault they left, maybe it's my fault they're not as close anymore, maybe it's my fault for everything. Can I please give up now? I know once I give up I'll never be able to go back...but is this really worth it? Is our friendship worth letting them kill me? I really want my dreams of my career to come true and they do not support it, they are really never going to understand me because they're too busy in their own lives now, I do not know them anymore. I really don't. I'd rather die alone than die in the pain they are putting me through. I'll write later. Bye.

I wonder

27/9/11

Sometimes I wonder what God's plan really is...I don't know where my life is heading. I really want to publish my stories and maybe make my own anime after I do an animation course but what's standing in my way? Why can't I see it? I can see everything else...but why can't I see this...is it that invisible? Shouldn't it be obvious? Maybe it's me whose standing in the way of my own dreams. Do you know..I've made so many wishes...I don't know if any will come true. Being possitive is not one of my good points, since I'm a total pessimist...and I agree I need some positivity in my life...or I'll never be able to do anything...I want my dream to come true so I have to be optimistic about it, right?

Spirits for the dead

26/9/11

Miracle (A spirit) said she's seen and heard enough. She said she won't let them hurt me anymore. She said I should either stay with the ones who believe me, understand me and love me for who I am or make new fruiends...and i've decided what I'm doing next year. I really don't want to be here...when you were...uh...alive...did you believe in spirits? Like Miracle and Benjamin for instance? And could you see tham? Ukaasan, I'm really tired of people critisizing me and...forget it. I know none of them would ever believe me anyway. They think it's weird, since I'm a Roman Catholic...and...I believe in God, I know he would never put me in danser like that but the...you know...never hurt me in the first place...I'm more scared of humans than I am of spirits...I think i'm done for now...that's okay right? I don't want to seem like i'm running away, I won't say I'm not 'cause I probably am...it has gotten really complex and maybe...I should have listened when I was told to stay away from these friends the first hundred times. I guess I made the same mistake again...only a little different. And love...and friendship can never last long except for the love and friendship with God...I'm going to be thinking alot, and I'd like it if you were here with me when I do...I should have listened to Miracl, shouldn't I? She has always loved and cared for me not to mention she has never hurt me...but helped me pick up my shattered pieces...
Goodnight...

Letter to the dead

19/9/11

My mind always remembers, the happy moments I had with you. But my heart is binded by tears because that move took me and erased me and now my memeories have been painted black by that nightmare...You know, I've always wanted to be like you, you were always happy...turns out i'm different...but just because i'm different doesn't make me any less human, right?
It's not that people treat me badly, I have people who are so nice to me like Appy, Adrian, Stephan and many more, they're always there to be a shoulder to cry on and they always give me good advice...but they aren't you...they can't be you...no matter how much they are like you, they're not. But I still search for you...where ever I go...it's impossible not to...
Oyasumi (Goodnight) Ukaasan