Rock and a hard place

I don't know how it's possible to get so angry at a person and want them back in your life at the same time. Even though that person hurt you so badly and you hurt them but you want them back and they don't. You're nothing to them anymore but they keep popping up, calling you an obligation and you keep wishing that they'd just change their mind and everything will be okay again. So what if words can't be taken back? So what? It doesn't mean that we can't get past it. It doesn't mean that we won't move on and forget about it.
If they keep coming back and saying they have obligations left and that when they're done, they'll leave and you won't hear from them again, how can you not think that something is holding them back from leaving all together? Is there hope that they'll change their mind and stop being so anger ridden and hurt and just come back? I'm angry because I'm not an obligation. I'm a person. And I know that I don't want to lose them and that I still love them and it hurts because I don't want to feel that way when they don't.
Rock, meet - Hard place.

Silence is the most powerful scream.

Tell them how you feel or they'll never know.
They won't know that you love them. They won't know that you care. They won't know that you're hurting. They won't know that you feel the same as they do. They won't know that you cry, too and that you wished certain things never happened. They'll feel like they're the only one feeling that way and they may hold that against you.

Don't say "I can't" because everyone can. Everyone can tell someone how they feel. It's harder for some people but it shouldn't be for you because you're straight forward. That's good sometimes but bad sometimes, too. But if you're straight forward then why's it so hard to tell someone how you feel? Stop hiding from your own feelings, put your pride aside and blurt it out.

It hurts the other person, too. That's why I need to know. I need to know if you still love me, if you still care and if you still hurt. Because from the way things are, the way you ended it, it seems as if I'm the only one hurting even though I know it hurts you, too. You can't say "that's who I am" because you've spoken about your feelings before. We've been so close for so long and you've told me your feelings before so don't say that "I can't tell anyone how I feel. That's just who I am". That is not who you are. It is who you see and make yourself to be.

Stop screaming silently like I am. It doesn't help. It only makes things hurt even more. You need to open your mouth and speak. You need to understand someone else's feelings and tell them yours so they can't understand you, too.

I swear we were infinite.

I keep telling everybody "I'm fine."
The truth is "I'm not fine."

I feel like I'm drowning even though there's no water around me. I feel like I can't breathe even though there's oxygen everywhere. I feel like I can't cry because my tears are over. I feel like I can't sleep because my brain won't stop thinking about the things you said.

Is it fair? Is it fair that we've been through so much for it to come to this moment? Is it fair that I kept saying the words "I love you" and "I miss you" and "I don't ever want to lose you" and no one ever listened? Is it fair that I listened to all your problems and you listened to mine and now you don't want to listen to anything? Is it fair for you to blame me for this ending even though I never wanted it to end? Is it fair that I'm thinking about how you blamed me even though all I ever did was try to help and now I'm the one who can't sleep or eat and cries all night? Is it fair that so many people have tried to break us apart and they couldn't because we were too strong and now you end it for nothing? They got their wish though.

There were so many moments and memories we had together. I swear we were infinite but are we really?

I still repeat the things you said to me in my head.

We accept the love we think we deserve. I thought I deserved yours.

Yes, I made mistakes. But so did you. Yes, we fought. But we always came back to each other. Yes, people tried to come in between us. But we never let them.

So why was it so easy to say that it was over? You might say that it wasn't easy and I do believe that this hurts you as much as it hurts me but if it did, you would have thought about it a hundred times before you said that. Before you blamed me for it ending this way. All I did was try and help you. I told you a million times how I loved you and didn't want to lose you but you didn't say those words back every time I did. I would beg to get you back. You want to know why? Because you mean the world. We've been through so much and we've been more than best friends for so long. We've been sisters for so many years and you tell me we're over for no reason. You might say there's a reason but there really isn't. You don't blame someone when they did nothing. Trying to help you doesn't mean that I don't know you. Asking you to try doesn't mean I don't know you. I've been the only person who has known you. You need to understand that even I get angry. Even I get hurt by the things you say. Even I cry and lose sleep and can't eat. Especially because I didn't do anything wrong and I'm getting blamed for it ending like this. You need to stop saying that you can't try and that you won't apologize or beg for our friendship. Because I would beg. I would beg for our friendship because it meant something to me. It means something to me. It's worth something. And it hurts to think that I don't mean anything. Don't say that I do mean something because if I did, you would beg for me, too. You would tell me that I'm worth something the way I tell you that you are.

The words you say hurt, too. And I still repeat the things you said to me in my head.

Moving Away

Moving is a part of life, isn't it? Not everyone is bound to stay in one place for too long but I want to. I don't want to leave the place where I've built my entire life. I have dreams, too, and even though I know that they will follow me no matter where I go, I don't want to leave where I am now. I want to dance here. I want to be with my friends and finish school where I have been all my life.
I might be able to dance wherever I go but I don't want to leave where I am dancing now because I love where I dance and I love the people that I dance with.

But it is impossible, no? To stay in one place when you have to leave, no matter how much you want to stay? Will I be able to pull my dream to my side and let go of my attachment to dancing here? I hope so.

Am I finally there?

I sent my novel in for self publishing and they said that they loved it. The editiors approved it and they called, saying that my grammar was extremely good and were shocked when I told them that I was still in high school. I was so happy, so excited at the thought of being acknowledged and then I found out the sad part of it. The packages for self publishing are expensive. Alot of money to spend on something my parents weren't sure about. They want to check out the other options. Well, I don't. I don't have time to check out for other things because other publishing houses take months to reply and they only reply if they like the story. If they don't, they dispose of it without giving you the slightest idea whether you made it through or not. I don't want that and I don't want to wait. Writing is what I'm meant to do and I don't have time to waste. Am I finally there? Am I going to take my chance or will I lose it?

She is herself.

16th August 2012

The confusion causes pain and weakness. It doesn't hurt that much that i have to keep it a secret. I've kept secrets before. They might be my friends, they might even be my closest friends but I still don't know if it would not bother them or it will cause a ruckus. That isn't why it hurts. It hurts because I was stupid. I was stupid to think she was going to leave us alone. Stupid to believe that she was done playing mind games. Stupid to belive that she'd stay away from the people I love and me. Stupid to not see that he was desprate. Stupid to think I could ever trust anyone but most of all, I feel stupid for actually assuming that this war was over. It is not. It's the beginning of the end. She's caused heart ache, broken friendships, empty promises, lies, back talking, rumors and anyone would be stupid to believe that she actually meant the apology. She can't and will never be sorry because that is who she is. A lying, backstabbing, promise breaking, desperate, attention seeking, heartbrekaing, problem causing loser. She is herself and that is who she is.